Believe

I recently had a conversation with a group of men who I generally respect. I was describing my line of work and the population that I often encounter on a regular basis. During the conversation one of the men looked me in the eye and proclaimed “well let’s just agree on one thing, there are some worthless people in the world.” I looked up from my sandwich and calmly stated “no, I couldn’t disagree with that more strongly.” It wasn’t a fight or even a disagreement. Simply stated, I couldn’t do my job if I thought I had to start each session by assessing if that person was worth the effort. More importantly, however, is the idea that we all have a part to play. I suppose it is a tenant of stoicism to say that everyone has a roll to play in society, and that it takes all roles being fulfilled in order for our culture to continue. I sometimes bring up the idea that the janitor is as important to the profit margins at McDonald’s as the CEO is. One would certainly suffer without the other. Thus, everyone is important. It’s a reasonable question then, to ask about those who abuse and neglect the vulnerable among us. Perhaps it makes sense to question the motives of a “young thug” who finds his only prospect for the remainder of his life to live and die while incarcerated. Surly these are wasted lives, correct? For my part, I still disagree. My general philosophy is that all people make the best decision they can at the moment they make it. When we, in our own lives make mistakes it is not often for the sake of committing an error. Rather, it is to meet a need, or to try and fit in. While there are in fact those among us who suffer from psychotic and violent symptoms, most individuals who find themselves offending others felt trapped into doing so. They were often taught to be offenders, or were somehow convinced that it was the only way to survive. Regardless, the solution to the problem of offensive behaviors is not to lock everyone up and to throw away the key. The country of Australia has been a wonderful social experiment that proved strongly suggested that violence was not genetic. Instead, we must all take responsibility for existing in a system that marginalizes large portions of society so that they are forced into these traps of choosing between two bad options. Consider for a moment that a rational thinking person could find themselves in a situation where hurting another person, or inflicting physical and emotional harm on another person was the last best answer. Consider how truly awful their existence might be if hurting another person was a step in in the right direction. I certainly do not suggest that we all share the obligation to feel guilty. Instead, I believe that we all have a great opportunity to contribute to a solution where the young and marginalized believe that they have worth, and that society at large will embrace their talents and contributions. The idea that everyone has something of value to contribute is actually far more believable to me than the idea that there are groups of people who would be incapable of improving society.

Being perfect isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!

I’ve seen a number of people over the years with a number of different and difficult situations that they have had to navigate. They’ve done this of course, with varying levels of success. Some clients come to see me to validate that they’ve made the right decisions in response to their difficulties. Others come in because they feel as if they should have made better or healthier decisions. Despite the rationale for wanting an appointment with me, I often have individuals exclaim that their belief was that they felt as though they “should feel better now.” I’m always rooting for my clients to feel better, even if . . . maybe especially if it means that I won’t get to speak with them as often. For me, there is an overriding truth in these scenarios. When bad things happen it’s okay to feel bad. I don’t wish this on anyone but in reality, is it really okay to believe that just because a number of hours or days have passed that I’m suddenly supposed to feel as if nothing happened? If someone reports “being fine” after the loss of a pet, friend or peace of mind I would be more inclined to believe that it was as a result of shock or numbness rather than mental toughness. In short, it’s appropriate to grieve in our own unique ways. These emotional reactions can present their own difficulties. If we respond with symptoms of depression or anxiety (two of the most common) then we are in a position to deal with our own self-doubts in addition to the catalyst for the emotional symptoms. But this is the human experience. These emotions, these responses and feelings make us uniquely human. Of course we all know that other animals have feelings too. I suspect that some of them may even be conscious of their emotional state. However, the human mind, designed to be inquisitive, manipulate tools and to solve complex problems I believe, is also capable of fixing itself not just the environment around it. When we try to convince ourselves that the only thing we need is to “rub some dirt on it” or to “suck it up” we have robed ourselves of a piece of our humanity, our brain’s designed ability to fix itself. I propose that this would further exacerbate any difficulties we would be dealing with and make our symptoms worse. When I worked with families, I would do my best to help the parents and children achieve their stated goals. When I worked with parents of teenagers as we approached the completion of therapy I would often hear them state that there was another problem, or a new situation had arisen. When these new situations turned out to be a part of the normal development of a teenager I would sometimes tell the parents “there is nothing I can do as a therapist to make your child not-a-teenager.” I explained that part of the process of being a parent, particularly a parent of a teen was that it would include some level of frustration. Those difficulties were in fact a part of the normal developmental growth of the child. While it would cause one to go grey and get wrinkles, it should in fact be embraced. Likewise, in our own lives, it’s okay to embrace difficulty. It’s easier to do this when we have supportive people around us, but difficulty is part of life. So too, I hope is overcoming difficulty. I know for a fact that everyone reading this has overcome many obstacles in their past. You probably have a handful of obstacles now. You’ll even have some in the future. Obstacles are not always meant to be avoided. Rather, they are to be overcome, and we should celebrate our triumphs. This is what makes us truly strong.

Nothing is more ordinary than the extraordinary.

I guess that makes sense since the word just means more ordinary right? Have you ever seen a travel brochure and thought to yourself “that’s so breathtaking”? I think we all have had at least a handful of moments like that. Fewer of us still have had the chance to visit those incredible places. I’m willing to bet that upon embarking on that cruse, hiking that trail, climbing that mountain, or eating in that quaint village it was fantastic, but not quite as breathtaking. When we find ourselves anyplace it often feels like it was always meant to be. This is despite the fact that these moments are often preceded by anxiety or trepidation. So . . . who cares? The reason I say all this is because we should always believe in our right to live and to belong. We have earned a great many things in our lives. Most people have to work fairly hard to be able to afford the time or money to take trips. We might feel that we don’t belong among the vacationers on the beach in Hawaii, but the only permission we need is our two feet planted firmly on the white sand. Of course this cuts both ways. It may be that the miraculous is actually ordinary, or conversely it could be that the ordinary is in fact miraculous! Across time and space, geographical boundaries and social norms, there are countless individuals who would find our existence beyond belief. Yet, here we are, as sure as the sun rose this morning. We have much to be thankful for, and we need only to dream to make more of our lives. I write this today because it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Years ago, I was sitting in a pub in the County Galway, Ireland. Growing up the son of Mexican Immigrants, and in dire poverty in the City of Detroit I woke up almost every morning for the 4 months I lived there that I had no business being where I was. It wasn’t exactly that I felt unworthy. God above knows how welcomed I felt by the wonderful people of Ireland. Rather, it was that “people like me don’t do things like this.” I am eternally grateful that I didn’t let my own self-fulfilling prophecies get in the way of one of the most incredible growing experiences of my life. My only wish is that everyone allows themselves to dare to dream, and to dream big. Just remember that when you achieve that dream, it’s no let down when you feel like your success was the only natural conclusion. It’s okay if it was always meant to be.

The I’s have it

It’s February and that means that love has been in the air, and that many of us are looking forward to the cosmic celebrations of new life that often abound in the spring. I’ve been trying to think of a good subject for this post and have danced and played with a variety of themes. I’ve finally decided on writing about a tool that I often use with couples in therapy. I’ve been very lucky in therapy. I’ve had individuals in their 80’s ask me about their sexual health. I’ve worked with decades-married couples for maintenance therapy, and I’ve had heart-broken teenagers ask me if they’ll ever love again. It should go without saying that the lessons I try to share can change dramatically between individual and situation. However, I’ve noticed a number of themes in this work and I hope that they have a larger and still practical application in all of our lives. First of all, we must love ourselves to love others. Likewise, we must love ourselves to allow others to love us. I often say that it is not possible to allow someone to love us more than we love ourselves. We can think of this in a numerical sense. If I love myself a 7 on a scale of 1 – 10, and someone comes along and loves us a 9, then even though I’ve found someone who loves us near-perfectly, I’ve still brought our relationship down to an 8. In effect, we can’t moor ourselves to a better partner and hope to be better ourselves. This has to be done independently. It does us a great service to remember that we are one half of every relationship we’ll ever be a part of. We get a much higher rate of return if we do our best to ensure that our half is well attended. The second tip I like to share is the use of “I statements.” Language is perhaps the most significant aspect of any relationship. It can lead to trust, as much as it can foment suspicion. If you partner wants to initiate an intimate moment would we rather hear them say “so, do you want to go lay down?” or would we rather hear “I want to lay down with you”? The idea is the same, the effects are worlds apart. The “I statement” is an instrument I try to teach for conflict resolution. It is a way of encouraging individuals to say how they feel instead of demonstrating it. I promise that our partners will understand if we say to them “I’m so mad I could throw a glass against the wall!” We don’t have to actually follow through with it. If our partner has left the milk on the counter for the umpteenth time, we might say “You left the milk out again.” It is human nature to defend ourselves when we feel attacked. We may even go so far as to defend ourselves when we otherwise wouldn’t want to. Responses to attacks can range from “yeah well you left your dirty laundry on the floor” or “If you saw it out, why couldn’t you just put it away?” If the goal is to have a fight, mission accomplished. If the goal is to help one another be more respectful of the expectations our partners have for us, then we’re still a long way off. The “I statement” is dependent upon mentioning one, and only one person in a declarative statement. That person is “I.” So, in the matter of the left out milk, we have the option of saying “I get so frustrated when I see the milk left out.” “It freaks me out that I’m going to get sick from spoiled milk that’s been left out.” The possibilities are endless. My argument is that these statements have the potential to make allies out of our transgressors. They might think to themselves, “man, I know that bothers my partner, I really need to do something to help me to remember to put the milk away.” If the goal is to assist positive change, it’s not mission accomplished yet, but I’d say you’re on the way. Love is a wonderful thing, and there is no doubt in my mind that humans are pack animals. We are like lions. A healthy lion belongs to a pride or family group. When you see a lion by itself it is normally because it is sick, or has been ostracized by its pride. Tigers are the opposite, the only time you see two tigers around each other is to fight over territory, or to mate. Humans are wired to co-exist with others. It doesn’t have to be marriage or romantic, but I’d argue that there is always room for love.

Self-Determined

At the head of the Social Work Code of Ethics is the expectation that spells out a client’s right to self-determination. I think that a great many students see that and shake their head eagerly and say things like “that makes sense” or “of course, that’s a good rule to practice by.” Practicing that rule in a therapeutic setting can be more difficult than agreeing with the concept. On occasion, I’ve asked interns that I was supervising what they would do if a person came in asking to help mend a relationship with an abusive partner. Some of them recognize the trap, others don’t but more often than not, they fall into the trap anyways. It is not the job of the social worker or any other therapist to convince the client that the best thing for them to do is to leave the partner. The client has the right to decide that they want to continue with them. As a therapist there are three viable options. One is to tell the client that I, in good conscience cannot participate in this course of action. The other is to educate the client on all of their options and hope that they choose one that is healthy. Lastly, I could, in fact, help the client with their relationship issues. I had on one occasion, the opportunity to work with inmates who were coming out of the corrections system after lengthy stays. I grew up in an impoverished area and knew, first hand, the environments that some of these individuals came from. One day, to a new group of men, I said “my job is not to keep you out of prison. Only you can do that when you finally get to go home. My job is to help keep individuals who want to stay out of prions in their homes for as long as we can manage. I know for some of you that prison was the safest place you’ve ever been in your life. I wish it wasn’t true, but acknowledge its truth. If you are determined to do back, then let’s find a way to do that on your terms. The only reason anyone should ever go back is if you woke up one day and said, ‘okay, I’m going to go get arrested today.’” This soap-box moment brought some nods of approval which I was most grateful for. This whole line of thinking and behaving is indicative of some of the popular child-rearing philosophies. If you threaten a child with a punishment for not behaving in an expected fashion, chances are that they will comply . . . so long as they are compelled by that threat. The moment that the threat becomes insufficient, they will do whatever they want to. If you teach the value of a behavior, and foster the growth and mastering of that action, then the child will continue to exercise that behavior so long as it retains its value. And so, when a client is convinced that something is in their best interest, they will continue to pursue it. The job of a therapist, or of a good friend is to help demonstrate the value of healthy thoughts and actions.

Selling out, or buying in?

I’m originally from the inner city of Detroit. I went to school in one of the most poor and gang infested neighborhoods in the city where dodging fights, bullets and even the police was as much a necessity as it was a way of life. Six months ago, I moved into the first suburb I’ve ever lived in. Even before I moved there, I had to answer questions about why I didn’t come home to Detroit. I even had to answer the question of how I could “sell out” after “being down” for so long. The truth is that the place that has always felt most like home to me, even now, is Laredo, TX where my family has resided for as far back as we can look. Detroit was home, but Laredo, and Nuevo Laredo in Mexico was my spiritual home. My cultural identity was shaped more by a city and my family who resided some 2,000 miles away, more than the people I saw every day. I wonder if my parents’ friends ever asked them why they sold out. I say all of this, not as a confessional, but rather as a rationale. If we’re honest with ourselves, every generation is just a little different than the one who came before it. Every sibling adds a slightly different spice to the stew that is our family. We love our grandparents, aunts and uncles precisely because they are a little bit different (sometimes we call it “cool”) than our own parents. In short, there is no such thing as a strict adherence to a single cultural identity within a family, club, religious order or neighborhood. Why then do we find ourselves asking and being asked about our adherence to the expectations of our families and friends? Is it because we’ve done something terrible? Or, could it be that we are defending ourselves against the co-dependent among us? Are our friends desirous of seeing that we stay the same so that they don’t have to confront the change that they, themselves should make in their own lives? I think it goes a step beyond this as well. I argue that by adhering to our own healthy boundaries that we can not sell out at all. By definition, we are instead contributing to the culture to which we belong or subscribe. I’ve told some of my clients that “you are the only person who you have to go to bed with and wake up with every day for the rest of your life.” Our spouses, children, parents, they’re on their own timeline and schedule as well. It is nice when these schedules coincide with health and vigor. But we are most indebted to our own needs. Thus, it is our own boundaries, which, when well-conceived and executed we must honor with greatest frequency. Doing exactly this, will shape our culture, our families and our neighborhoods so that others will see that following dreams and achieving goals is the true measure of success.

It may be uncomfortable, but to what end?

I have seen many different clients for many different reasons. There are also many different therapists who use many different therapeutic interventions (to varying effects). I’ve found in my years of practice that looking for patterns is often helpful. A client who starts off a statement by saying “I always seem to . . .” is usually giving me a clue to what patterns of behaviors they find most comfortable. I believe it’s important not to confuse “comfortable” with “healthy,” or “proud of.” Comfortable, to me denotes a default or “go-to coping mechanism.” This isn’t a symptom of any larger underlying problem like compulsions, or co-dependence. It is, however, an opportunity to stop and reflect upon the benefit one gains or gives up by pursuing and fostering these patterns of behavior and thought. On many occasions I have heard individuals express that they know that a change in habit or behavior is in their best interest but they remain unconvinced that they can do it, or even that it would be worth the effort. I will often ask individuals what outcome they would want if they didn’t have to endure the hardship to get there. Most smokers I’ve met have said that they would gladly quit if withdrawal wasn’t a factor. It’s normally about this time that I try to state the obvious. It would most likely suck to quit smoking, eating junk food, calling an estranged relative or any other manner of desired change. It would be painful and stressing. However, most people fail to continue that line of thought to include the idea that continuing to smoke, eat poorly and stressing about the state of bad relationships is similarly torturous. I inform these individuals that I wish I had a good option to give; I wish I could offer sunshine and roses. I, however, can’t. Thus we’re left with the fact that it is going to suck to get better, and probably suck to stay the same. The only question left to answer is “for what reason would you like it to suck?” The truth is that the vast majority of us would gladly sign up to do terrible things for the sake of our physical health. Patients race to their doctors to be poisoned in hopes that they can hang on longer than their cancer. Others sign waivers to have body parts removed in hopes that any lingering sign of disease or infection is taken with it. We are all willing to sacrifice when it is a tangible thing we’re fighting. Fewer of us are willing to take up this fight when we are fighting our habits, behaviors or in essence ourselves. Hope is critical. If we’re willing to sacrifice in hopes of getting better, something that is far short of a guarantee, then we need to find a way to believe that adopting healthier habits and coping mechanisms will provide us with the opportunity to demonstrate courage to fight on. When an individual believes that the light at the end of the tunnel is the exit, and not the train coming at them, then they’ll be much more likely to take another step forward in the darkness.