Being perfect isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!

I’ve seen a number of people over the years with a number of different and difficult situations that they have had to navigate. They’ve done this of course, with varying levels of success. Some clients come to see me to validate that they’ve made the right decisions in response to their difficulties. Others come in because they feel as if they should have made better or healthier decisions. Despite the rationale for wanting an appointment with me, I often have individuals exclaim that their belief was that they felt as though they “should feel better now.” I’m always rooting for my clients to feel better, even if . . . maybe especially if it means that I won’t get to speak with them as often. For me, there is an overriding truth in these scenarios. When bad things happen it’s okay to feel bad. I don’t wish this on anyone but in reality, is it really okay to believe that just because a number of hours or days have passed that I’m suddenly supposed to feel as if nothing happened? If someone reports “being fine” after the loss of a pet, friend or peace of mind I would be more inclined to believe that it was as a result of shock or numbness rather than mental toughness. In short, it’s appropriate to grieve in our own unique ways. These emotional reactions can present their own difficulties. If we respond with symptoms of depression or anxiety (two of the most common) then we are in a position to deal with our own self-doubts in addition to the catalyst for the emotional symptoms. But this is the human experience. These emotions, these responses and feelings make us uniquely human. Of course we all know that other animals have feelings too. I suspect that some of them may even be conscious of their emotional state. However, the human mind, designed to be inquisitive, manipulate tools and to solve complex problems I believe, is also capable of fixing itself not just the environment around it. When we try to convince ourselves that the only thing we need is to “rub some dirt on it” or to “suck it up” we have robed ourselves of a piece of our humanity, our brain’s designed ability to fix itself. I propose that this would further exacerbate any difficulties we would be dealing with and make our symptoms worse. When I worked with families, I would do my best to help the parents and children achieve their stated goals. When I worked with parents of teenagers as we approached the completion of therapy I would often hear them state that there was another problem, or a new situation had arisen. When these new situations turned out to be a part of the normal development of a teenager I would sometimes tell the parents “there is nothing I can do as a therapist to make your child not-a-teenager.” I explained that part of the process of being a parent, particularly a parent of a teen was that it would include some level of frustration. Those difficulties were in fact a part of the normal developmental growth of the child. While it would cause one to go grey and get wrinkles, it should in fact be embraced. Likewise, in our own lives, it’s okay to embrace difficulty. It’s easier to do this when we have supportive people around us, but difficulty is part of life. So too, I hope is overcoming difficulty. I know for a fact that everyone reading this has overcome many obstacles in their past. You probably have a handful of obstacles now. You’ll even have some in the future. Obstacles are not always meant to be avoided. Rather, they are to be overcome, and we should celebrate our triumphs. This is what makes us truly strong.