Selling out, or buying in?

I’m originally from the inner city of Detroit. I went to school in one of the most poor and gang infested neighborhoods in the city where dodging fights, bullets and even the police was as much a necessity as it was a way of life. Six months ago, I moved into the first suburb I’ve ever lived in. Even before I moved there, I had to answer questions about why I didn’t come home to Detroit. I even had to answer the question of how I could “sell out” after “being down” for so long. The truth is that the place that has always felt most like home to me, even now, is Laredo, TX where my family has resided for as far back as we can look. Detroit was home, but Laredo, and Nuevo Laredo in Mexico was my spiritual home. My cultural identity was shaped more by a city and my family who resided some 2,000 miles away, more than the people I saw every day. I wonder if my parents’ friends ever asked them why they sold out. I say all of this, not as a confessional, but rather as a rationale. If we’re honest with ourselves, every generation is just a little different than the one who came before it. Every sibling adds a slightly different spice to the stew that is our family. We love our grandparents, aunts and uncles precisely because they are a little bit different (sometimes we call it “cool”) than our own parents. In short, there is no such thing as a strict adherence to a single cultural identity within a family, club, religious order or neighborhood. Why then do we find ourselves asking and being asked about our adherence to the expectations of our families and friends? Is it because we’ve done something terrible? Or, could it be that we are defending ourselves against the co-dependent among us? Are our friends desirous of seeing that we stay the same so that they don’t have to confront the change that they, themselves should make in their own lives? I think it goes a step beyond this as well. I argue that by adhering to our own healthy boundaries that we can not sell out at all. By definition, we are instead contributing to the culture to which we belong or subscribe. I’ve told some of my clients that “you are the only person who you have to go to bed with and wake up with every day for the rest of your life.” Our spouses, children, parents, they’re on their own timeline and schedule as well. It is nice when these schedules coincide with health and vigor. But we are most indebted to our own needs. Thus, it is our own boundaries, which, when well-conceived and executed we must honor with greatest frequency. Doing exactly this, will shape our culture, our families and our neighborhoods so that others will see that following dreams and achieving goals is the true measure of success.

It may be uncomfortable, but to what end?

I have seen many different clients for many different reasons. There are also many different therapists who use many different therapeutic interventions (to varying effects). I’ve found in my years of practice that looking for patterns is often helpful. A client who starts off a statement by saying “I always seem to . . .” is usually giving me a clue to what patterns of behaviors they find most comfortable. I believe it’s important not to confuse “comfortable” with “healthy,” or “proud of.” Comfortable, to me denotes a default or “go-to coping mechanism.” This isn’t a symptom of any larger underlying problem like compulsions, or co-dependence. It is, however, an opportunity to stop and reflect upon the benefit one gains or gives up by pursuing and fostering these patterns of behavior and thought. On many occasions I have heard individuals express that they know that a change in habit or behavior is in their best interest but they remain unconvinced that they can do it, or even that it would be worth the effort. I will often ask individuals what outcome they would want if they didn’t have to endure the hardship to get there. Most smokers I’ve met have said that they would gladly quit if withdrawal wasn’t a factor. It’s normally about this time that I try to state the obvious. It would most likely suck to quit smoking, eating junk food, calling an estranged relative or any other manner of desired change. It would be painful and stressing. However, most people fail to continue that line of thought to include the idea that continuing to smoke, eat poorly and stressing about the state of bad relationships is similarly torturous. I inform these individuals that I wish I had a good option to give; I wish I could offer sunshine and roses. I, however, can’t. Thus we’re left with the fact that it is going to suck to get better, and probably suck to stay the same. The only question left to answer is “for what reason would you like it to suck?” The truth is that the vast majority of us would gladly sign up to do terrible things for the sake of our physical health. Patients race to their doctors to be poisoned in hopes that they can hang on longer than their cancer. Others sign waivers to have body parts removed in hopes that any lingering sign of disease or infection is taken with it. We are all willing to sacrifice when it is a tangible thing we’re fighting. Fewer of us are willing to take up this fight when we are fighting our habits, behaviors or in essence ourselves. Hope is critical. If we’re willing to sacrifice in hopes of getting better, something that is far short of a guarantee, then we need to find a way to believe that adopting healthier habits and coping mechanisms will provide us with the opportunity to demonstrate courage to fight on. When an individual believes that the light at the end of the tunnel is the exit, and not the train coming at them, then they’ll be much more likely to take another step forward in the darkness.

Welcome

Life is full of crossroads. I could argue that it is one crossroads after another. My crossroad today has led me to do something that I've been thinking about for a few years. That something involves adding my voice to the millions of other voices rambling on the internet. So, in essence, I'm not helping others. My thoughts are no doubt recorded by thousands of others in thousands of ways. Rather, I suspect that a Blog like this is more of a cathartic experience for me. I'll try to illuminate the ways in which I have been inspired, and how that inspiration makes its way into my therapeutic approaches and decisions. I hope too, that there may be others who enjoy my ramblings and may find inspiration in the unique observations of traveler. I have found no special deficits in the area of mental health treatment which I plan to slay. I don't believe I have any special theory or approach that the world has been in want of that I will explain in my writings. On the other hand, I do find myself repeating certain themes in my therapeutic interventions. And thus, I hope to expand on those themes in an effort to make more sense of them for myself, and likewise, to share them with others.

I hope this is of some benefit to you, and that we can grow together to better help the world at large.

Sincerely,
The GohfR.