It may be uncomfortable, but to what end?

I have seen many different clients for many different reasons. There are also many different therapists who use many different therapeutic interventions (to varying effects). I’ve found in my years of practice that looking for patterns is often helpful. A client who starts off a statement by saying “I always seem to . . .” is usually giving me a clue to what patterns of behaviors they find most comfortable. I believe it’s important not to confuse “comfortable” with “healthy,” or “proud of.” Comfortable, to me denotes a default or “go-to coping mechanism.” This isn’t a symptom of any larger underlying problem like compulsions, or co-dependence. It is, however, an opportunity to stop and reflect upon the benefit one gains or gives up by pursuing and fostering these patterns of behavior and thought. On many occasions I have heard individuals express that they know that a change in habit or behavior is in their best interest but they remain unconvinced that they can do it, or even that it would be worth the effort. I will often ask individuals what outcome they would want if they didn’t have to endure the hardship to get there. Most smokers I’ve met have said that they would gladly quit if withdrawal wasn’t a factor. It’s normally about this time that I try to state the obvious. It would most likely suck to quit smoking, eating junk food, calling an estranged relative or any other manner of desired change. It would be painful and stressing. However, most people fail to continue that line of thought to include the idea that continuing to smoke, eat poorly and stressing about the state of bad relationships is similarly torturous. I inform these individuals that I wish I had a good option to give; I wish I could offer sunshine and roses. I, however, can’t. Thus we’re left with the fact that it is going to suck to get better, and probably suck to stay the same. The only question left to answer is “for what reason would you like it to suck?” The truth is that the vast majority of us would gladly sign up to do terrible things for the sake of our physical health. Patients race to their doctors to be poisoned in hopes that they can hang on longer than their cancer. Others sign waivers to have body parts removed in hopes that any lingering sign of disease or infection is taken with it. We are all willing to sacrifice when it is a tangible thing we’re fighting. Fewer of us are willing to take up this fight when we are fighting our habits, behaviors or in essence ourselves. Hope is critical. If we’re willing to sacrifice in hopes of getting better, something that is far short of a guarantee, then we need to find a way to believe that adopting healthier habits and coping mechanisms will provide us with the opportunity to demonstrate courage to fight on. When an individual believes that the light at the end of the tunnel is the exit, and not the train coming at them, then they’ll be much more likely to take another step forward in the darkness.